Giving Good Instructions
You don’t have to repeat yourself constantly.
I work with a lot of exhausted parents, looking for ways to get their kids to listen the first time they ask them to do something. Fortunately, clinical psychologists have been working on this problem for a long time, and there are lots of good ways to sharpen your commands (also called instructions, requests, etc., but I will use “commands” because that is the common usage in clinical psychology). Here are four rules for how to say your commands so kids will listen:
Calm: Say the command in a calm, business-like tone. Please don’t shout! Shouting will only teach children to ignore you until you get loud.
Close: Get physically close to your child before you say anything. And when I say “close,” I mean close: You’ll know you are close enough when you could whisper the command.
Short: Use only the words necessary to give your command, and make sure the command is “bite-sized” for your child. If they cannot finish the command in 5 seconds or less, consider breaking down the task into smaller steps.
Specific: You should be able to picture exactly what they will do when you give the command. Also, if they are currently doing something you want them to stop doing, you must include a replacement suggestion in your command (think of a lifeguard saying “walk” instead of “stop running”).
You must also teach your child that commands are consistently followed by action, so you cannot walk away right after you say it. Actions speak louder than words! Here are some commonly recommended steps if they do not listen right away:
Wait for 5-15 seconds, completely silent. Children often need time to process the information. If they tend to pepper you with questions after a command, give the reason for your command before you give it.
Give a warning about what will happen if they do not listen. Still no need to shout here!
Wait for another 5-15 seconds, completely silent.
Follow through with what you said in your warning, consistently and calmly. It is okay to ignore or separate yourself until they are calm, too.
Many parents have already tried a few of these steps, but I often get told that they haven’t tried them all together, consistently. As a caveat, I know that these steps are relatively general, and you may have questions about specific steps or situations. If you’d like more information about this technique, please set up an appointment with me so we can go through it together.